My heart out

i am thankful that I have You

it isnt the right time for me to write...i know...its 1 am and tomorrows another day of hecticness

but things inside my head had urged me to jot something down before sleep...or should i say 'provisional death'?..to think of it..sleeping and awakening is i guess very much similar to death and the life of hereafter...what God has created is valueless unless human being learn to use one's mind...to think of how great His creations are...Allah is just so Great...thank you Allah..for what you have given me all these while..

Ya Allah..i believe that the musibahs you have placed upon me is nothing compared to those who fought for your Din bravely in the the earlier battles of Badr...Uhud...Hunayn...Khaibar...where did they find the strong taqwa and iman within their hearts i wonder..something of which i really look up to...and admire..Ya Allah...may ill be as strong as they are one day...

Ya rabbi...do guide me to the correct path....imagining myself in a boat journey to a place called as the 'hereafter'...sometimes violent wave might drift me away...strong wind makes me really cold and scared and the only thing to hold on to are necessary equipment ('amal) and a strong will of surviving (iman and taqwa)...You are the all-Knower..You are the Hidayah-Giver..and only You know whats inside our hearts...

i am glad to know that You are always by my side....as no one knows me better than You...You r my Rabb and my Creator...only You know when my hearts speaks..and only you know what my intentions are...Ya rabbi...let no dirt glued to my heart...as they obstruck the nur shining from within...Ya Allah...forgive me for my sins...to be forgiven or unforgiven is far beyond my ambit...but let me not be among those who you would admonish in the day of ma'lum...

Thank you my One and Only Rabb...i am thankful that i have You..

My Leader..please listen

pemimpin2 negaraku...

aku sedih menyaksikan perebutan kuasa dan angan2 serta janji yang engkau taburkan...

engkau salahkan media cyber kerana kekalahan...kenapa?...

engkau salahkan rakyat kerana berpaling tadah...mengapa..?

aku hanya inginkan engkau mendengar rintihan rakyat...rintihanku..

aku lebih inginkan pembangunan akhlak manusia dari pembangunan materialistik...

aku inginkan keadilan dari media massa yang engkau pantau dan kawal dan tapis setiap masa...

aku inginkan engkau tidak sombong setelah memegang amanah yang dipertanggungjawabkan...

aku inginkan pemimpin ke memimpin ku ke arah Yang diredhai...

aku inginkan pemimpin-pemimpin ku menucapkan kata-kata yang baik dan berakhlak tinggi sewaktu bercakap di kaca-kaca tv...

aku inginkan kehidupan akhirat lebih dari kehidupan dunia yang sementara...

dengarlah rintihanku wahai pemimpin-pemimpin ku...

aku sudah tak sanggup lagi ingin mendengar dan melihat soal2 perbahalahan antaramu...

ape yang aku harapkan hanyalah supaya pemimpin-pemimpinku yang telah diberi mandat supaya bersatu tenaga...

tak kira dari arah, pendapat dan principle yang berbeza....

aku rayu.....bersatulah untuk malaysia dan rakyatnya....

bukan masenye untuk memerli dan mengutuk dan melihat kekurangan dan kelebihan orang lain....

yang baik kita ambil...yang buruk kita jadikan sebagai aspect utk mencari yang lebih baik...

aku rayu pemimpin-pemimpin negaraku...dengarlah rintihan rakyatmu...bersatulah...sesungguhnya...ape yang diberikan kepadamu adelah tanggungjawab besar dan kepercayaan rakyat kepadamu...jangan lah kamu khianati dan sesungguhnya....harta dunia hanya sementara...kita pasti kembali kepadaNya

Kaeritakunai...

feel very heavy hearted to come back to my homecountry...

wOrKiNg LiFe oF mIne..

my working life started on 10th Jun 2006 as a part of R&D engineering department..in a japanese factory of printer production..

never have i imagine how life would be like as a so-called engineer..

well...i had to admit that the first day of my first job, i cried once i got in the car after work...until now, i don't know where the tears come from...

the feeling was like 'rojak'...with ingredients of sad+confuse+shock+doubt+scared and lots more...

what i had in mind while studying in the university was like...i will be working in the office, designing and testing and inventing products and that i will be useful to the company....however, the scenario is totally different and that contributes to shock+confuse and scared..

in the first day working in the factory, i had a factory visit where i believe that this factory is medium large with 2 buildings and 3 floors of production purpose...i was totally clueless that the environment would be so scary where during that time, soldering machine, big printers, heavy parts and production line would be a part of my working life...meaning.. a part of my life..the most terrifying part was that i saw women carrying heavy boxes and doing works that should be done by.. i supposed..MeN..

i was also shocked with the number of japanese people in the factory and the number of malaysian who are able to communicate in japanese and the sad thing was my inability of communicating in japanese and that has been...i guess..a border between me and the management...<--negative thoughts which is very difficult to erase..

the feelings took quite some time to fade away or should i say adapt to my life..

now...after approximately 4 months of staying here in this factory where i thought that i would be more comfortable to this place...nevertheless i cried again for the second time in my working life...

this time it was because how small i feel and that how shallow my knowledge is compared to others..especially the japanese..

i was angry and still am angry to myself for not having the faith and strength to stand up again after falling down...i had made for me a major loss to the company where the amount is still being calculated....the job or responsibility of an engineer is much more bigger that i have ever thought..and that one single mistake might cause losses and might bring harm to the people..

i feel very sad when i start thinking of my 'failure' yesterday...and i really hope that the loss i brought to the company pays the knowledge i gained which i will be able to contribute to the company in the future..

i also hoping for myself to regain confidence and stregths to overcome the problems and settle my mistakes and that i wont do massive mistakes again in the future..

may Allah grant me with patience and strengths for me to continue the journey of life...

Pace of Life

I imagine myself walking through a very long path...

I can see people in front of me and i can sense people behind me..

i tried to make my steps much wider...

but then i realised iam running?...

but im not sure of what im running for..

i know i can see glowing light from that place..

nevertheless...i found myself squatting on the ground trying to catch my breath...and that other people has finally reached to their destination...

haha-poor me

duniaku..tanah tumpah darahku..

setiap kali aku mengenangkan ape yang sedang terjadi di muka bumimu ini Ya Allah..

aku pasti mampu menitiskan air mata..

Ya Allah...aku hairan melihat manusia menegakkan bangsa sedangkan apa yang penting bagiku adalah agama...aku hairan mengapa saudara Islamku sendiri ingin menegakkan agama lain sedangkan agama nya sendiri masih lagi bergelora..

aku sedih melihat mereka yang mempertikaikan hukum yang Engkau telah tetapkan kerana sesungguhnya aku tahu Engkau Maha Mengetahui Y Allah..

aku pilu melihat mereka yang masih lagi leka dengan perkara yang mengaburkan mata mereka sedangkan tujuan utama kita di muka BumiMu ini Ya Allah untuk kesenangan di kemudian hari..

aku sebak melihat kerakusan manusia mengejar ape yang mereka fikirkan mampu membahagiakan mereka sedang mereka hanyalah mengejar bayang2 yang akan hilang satu ketika...

aku seperti ditampar berkali2 apabila melihat saudara sesama Islam tak mampu untuk menyayangi sesame sendiri sedangkan kita adalah bersaudara...

mengapa mereka yang didalam kesenangan tidak mampu memberi harta kepada mereka yang lebih memerlukan...sesungguhnya harta adalah amanah yang diberikan kepada kita untuk dibelanjakan ke jalan yang sepatutnya...

kenapa mereka tidak mampu menurunkan darjat dan pangkat untuk bersama saudara Islam yang lain kerana sesungguhnya ape yang penting disisi Allah hanyalah Iman dan Taqwa...

kenapa masih ade lagi yang teragak2 dengan agama yang sudah pastinya menunjukkan kebenaran...adakah ada lagi agama lain yang seindah dan sesuci agama Islam...

aku amat2 sedih dan pilu apabila melihat saudara2 Islam ku tidak sedar akan apa yang berlaku di Bumi sendiri Ya Allah..

Aku memohon kepadamu Ya Allah...lindungilah saudara-saudara yang aku amat sayangi ya Allah....pimpinkan lah kami semua ke jalan kebenaran Ya Allah..

jangan lah Engkau membiarkan kami alpa dengan dunia sementara mu ini Ya Allah...

Ya Allah...jadikan kami sayang menyayangi antara satu sama lain supaya dapat kami bangunkan agama sucimu ini Ya Allah...

Ya Allah ya tuhankau...ampunilah dosa kami ini kerana sesungguhnya kami merupakan hambamu yang sangat2 lemah serta serba keurangan berbanding denganMu Ya Allah...

Berikanlah kami kekuatan utk membuat amalan kebajikan sementara kami masih hidup di muka Bumimu ini Ya Allah...

amin amin Ya Rabbal Alamin...

im in the deepest pain

often i spend time just staring at things without actually seeing them...as i move a step forward in a journey called life...i began to question myself the right and wrong...is it worth for me to regret what has happened in these past 22 years?...right at the moment...i feel like running away from everything...i feel like wanting to place myself where no one knows who i am..and no one cares what i did or what i do...i feel like not wanting to stop crying...yesterday i prayed and wish for my death...i feel that i only bring nuisance to other people's life...forgive me Ya Allah...but i was out of control...i feel like not having my heart anymore...i feel like my heart is dead..and crushed...Ya Allah...do send me Angels to guide me...im drowning with my own tears...

clueless i am

it has been a while since i last write something like this...

its like my head is about to burst...its like a gigantic broom fell on me while im sleeping..

too many questions unanswered...such as

wut am i doing here?

wuts my priority?

am i stupid?...am i lazy like a pig?

how's my future going to be looked like...?

am i sellfish or did i often make ppl diappointed?

is God punishing me for my sins?...please forgive me almighty Allah...

please grant me patience and blessings...for im just a servant living in this planet of yours...